HackSIGN Murder File: Log Off Already
by Nadare
Summary: A .Hack/Sign murder mystery. Set in the middle of the TV series. When Tsukasa is murdered, by chance Kaige and Flame happen upon the crime scene. So begins the best or worst investigation The World has ever seen. Previously Uploaded.


_Author's Note: I, in no way, hate .Hack/Sign. I watched all 27 episodes of the first TV series and though the series is not a favorite of mine, there's no way I despised every little second of its slow moving plot and setting. Or hated Tsukasa with an all-burning passion that soon turned into a personal vendetta. In case you haven't noticed, all of the above has been sarcasm, thank you for reading and beware the contents below._

[Written off and on from May 19th to March 20th of 2007]  
[Edited 8/14/15]

Disclaimer: I do not own .Hack/Sign and even if I did, I wouldn't want it, no matter how much money it's made.

 _ **"The Anime Murder Files"**_  
 _Case No. 16: Log Off Already_

"Flame, what are we doing here?"

"Just a sec, I need to finish changing this character's skin tone."

"The World only has preset character settings. To alter them in any way is illegal and the Crimson Knights will be on your ass as soon as they see you," Kaige said woodenly, laying her staff against a nearby tree and glaring upwards into the sky, awaiting Flame's arrival into the RPG landscape.

"So? The worst they'll do is give me a warning and what I want to do in this RPG won't take that long anyway." With a small laugh, Flame popped into existence with a large sword two times her body size strapped to her back, grinning at her snow white skin that had originally been tan. "Is there a reason why I had to be the Wave Master and you the Heavy Blade?"

"Not really, you can create a new character if you want, but you'll have to level it up again," Flame replied, eyeing Kaige's Wave Master clothing and the black staff topped with a medium-purple gem that occasionally glowed when working magic. The only mark on Kaige's body was a long dark blue colored claw mark on her left cheek that stopped short underneath her character's nose.

On the other hand, Flame's character had bright red swirls over her body that met and bisected in random places, and was at odds with the white skin Flame had altered. "Never mind, that takes too long. So, I'll ask again, what the fuck are we doing here? We're supposed to be on vacation."

Flame sighed, swinging her long sword over her shoulders, shuddering when the cold steel met her bare shoulders. "Yeah, but we've done the sightseeing bit, and we can't work since the Boss Man suspended our detective licenses. Sanji and Zoro seem to be doing just fine without us assisting them, sickeningly so if you ask me. Anyway, I thought role playing would be kind of fun."

Kaige stared at Flame for a moment then nodded. "Okay, fine, we'll try this for a while but once I get bored, I'm logging off. Why'd you pick The World anyway? It's the poor man's MMORPG."

"I picked it for that exact reason," Flame bit out, smirking evilly. "It may have some rule enforcing characters but if you want to go on a murdering rampage, there's hardly anyone to stop you."

Kaige's smile was instantaneous, and she hefted her staff above her head, letting out some healthy evil laughter. "I knew you had an ulterior motive, I just knew it. All right, so what should we do first? Hit a dungeon or go see if there's any Event going on?"

"Hmm, I checked for Events. There's only some stupid race and some knowledge labyrinth, both of which sound boring. By the way, I don't know if you read the BBS before coming, but there's been an odd rumor going around about a player who can't log out." Kaige slammed her staff on the ground, startling a Grunty who glanced upwards at Kaige before runing off with a loud high-pitched squeal. "Fucking pigs. So, you're telling me you want to go look for this player?"

"Yeah, I want to taunt them and let off some steam. Is that all right?" Flame asked quietly, watching Kaige with a look in her eyes that seemed near pleading. Never one to deny Flame much, Kaige shrugged and nodded. "What's the player's name and where are they frequently seen?"

"Tsukasa, and he's been AWOL for the last couple of weeks, but I figured we could hit up the servers and see if we can meet up with some luck and accidentally find him." Motioning for Flame to start moving, Kaige fell into step behind her partner and throwing her staff from hand to hand, prepared herself for some quality time online.

"Huh, I honestly didn't expect this," Flame muttered underneath her breath as she surveyed the makeshift crime scene at the bottom of the steep cliff, and the nearby players who stared at the body of the player who had bit the dust, the rumored Tsukasa if Flame assumed right. "Why hasn't he respawned?" Kaige asked curiously, leaning dangerously close to the cliff edge and looking from face to face in the crowd surrounding Tsukasa's body.

"I've heard he was a special case, something about being in a coma in the Real World. So I guess if he can't log off normally, being killed here would kill him in Real Life." A short silence followed that unassertive statement, and meeting Kaige's gaze as she rose from the cliff's edge, Flame let out a long sigh. "I guess we're destined to solve murders even if we don't want to."

"Seems like it. Shall we start questioning suspects then?"

"How else would we solve the crime?"

"By killing everyone we suspect did it," Kaige muttered under her breath, her eyes shifting suspiciously, and missing Flame's smile as she started down the cliff. "Of course that's always an option, but a last resort nonetheless."

"On whose authority are you allowed to restrain innocent bystanders and subject them to interrogation?" Growling, Flame shoved B.T. just a little bit harder than needed into the side of the cliff, and bared her teeth in a strained smile. "The police's, of course. Kaige and I are detectives in the Real World, and this situation looks like it needs professional assistance."

Flame did not mention the fact their detective licenses had been suspended, and certainly not the reason behind such an action. Telling players in The World Flame and her partner hadn't given a crap about murdered school girls would have worked against them given the already tense situation. "I still must voice protest to this entire proceeding. Just because you have authority in the Real World does not mean you have it here too."

Shoving aside the mental image of B.T. getting decapitated with her sword, Flame let out a small manic laugh, suppressing her evil laughter before it could get out of hand. "Your comments have been noted, now kindly line up with the rest of the players and we'll start sorting all this out."

"Oooh, what's your player info?" A strained grunt was delivered courtesy of the knee Kaige had shoved into Sora's crotch, and the player hunched over onto the ground. Kaige shared a smile with Flame over the player's shoulders. "Okay, you all know why you're here, the player Tsukasa has been murdered and one of you is guilty as sin. May I request that the guilty party step forward right now and save us a lot of trouble?"

Silence was all that greeted Kaige's inquiry, and grinding her teeth, Kaige motioned for Flame to take the stage. Sora, starting to recover from Kaige's abuse, straightened, letting out a little moan before clearing his throat. "Why should anyone fess up to his murder? It's not like Tsukasa was actually murdered."

"Sora! How could you say that? You know Tsukasa was a special case," Mimiru spouted off, a few tears running down her cheeks amidst trembling shoulders. Sora shrugged as if to say he didn't give a damn while Bear shifted closer to Mimiru and laid an arm over her shoulders, offering comfort. Mimiru eyed him suspiciously before lacing her arms over his waist and snuggling closer, more tears creeping out as she looked out from the shelter of his body.

"This is stupid, I know I didn't do it," Crim announced from his place in the line, causing both Kaige and Flame to glare at him simultaneously. He shifted nervously under their gazes before his character went still, and as the first yellow dotted lines that preceded logging out came into being, Kaige exploded into action, her staff slamming into the back of Crim's head with a sickening thud.

Watching as Crim crumpled to the ground, Kaige stepped close to the player's body and pulling down his pants, shoved her Wave Master's staff up his nether region, pushing for all her worth until the staff was properly supported. Dusting her hands off happily, Kaige grinned and turned back to the shocked line of suspects, her merry countenance doing nothing to assure the players they weren't next. "Anyone else want to try logging off?"

Bear, Sora and the Silver Knight looked pasty white as they surveyed Kaige's damage, and like heeding some unknown signal, all of the suspects in line shook their head desperately. Frowning in disappointment, Kaige sat down on the back of Crim's legs, and shifted her gaze to Flame who was smirking. First saluting Kaige, Flame turned to the players and approached Lady Subaru, who was looking a tad ill all things considered.

"You are the leader of the Crimson Knights, yes?" Subaru nodded, backing up a few inches into the Silver Knight's side. "Tsukasa was my friend…no, more than a friend. I would never do anything as distasteful as shoving him off of a cliff. The Crimson Knights frown upon any type of Player Killers in The World."

"Well, la de da, aren't you Miss Perfect? Are you sure you weren't jealous of Tsukasa's unlimited freedom in The World given you yourself are handicapped in the Real World and are restricted to some degree here as well?" Noting the shocked gasps that accompanied her declaration, Flame glared at the Silver Knight as he raised his sword threateningly and started to push Subaru behind him. A small sigh was uttered, and Subaru laid a hand on the Silver Knight's shoulder, stepping in front of him and facing Flame with a grim smile. "While your facts are indeed correct, I'm not the type of person who would act upon such base emotions."

"We'll be the judge of that," Kaige said, abandoning her seat on Crim's legs and coming to stand alongside Flame who leaned an elbow on her shoulder casually. "Silver Knight, did you or did you not dislike Tsukasa for the way he affected and changed Subaru? Are you sure all that frustration at being unable to act against him didn't explode and cause you to do something your own group frowns upon?"

Liking the sudden doubt in Subaru's eyes, Kaige shoved the Crimson Knight's leader aside and faced the Silver Knight head on, her smile not the least bit friendly. "I would never disobey the Crimson Knights' rules! I enforce them daily, to abuse my position would cause me to fall out of Lady Subaru's favor."

"Hmm, but you have thought about such an action, haven't you?" Startled, the Silver Knight turned his head and ignored Kaige as well as any other players' accusing gaze. "Well, that aside, let's move onto the next suspect, shall we? B.T., you've never really cared for Tsukasa, have you? I recall in the past that when asked to assist him, you stated that one should keep The World and Real Life separate, is that not right?"

Meeting Flame's glare, B.T. nodded. "I did say that, and I still stand true to the statement. That alone should prove my innocence in this crime, seeing as I never confuse the two. Why would I kill Tsukasa if I didn't care about him in the first place?"

"Nn…god, why does my head hurt? In fact, why does my ass hurt worse than my head? Oh, fuck, what the hell? Why is there a staff there, of all places?! Oh fuck, I'm bleeding down there! Does anyone have a band-aid? Band-aids make everything better, don't they? Oh, god, I need a band-aid!"

Her glare fading as Crim continued to moan and groan about the state of his ass, Flame glanced sideways at Kaige, who was leaning forward, her hands on her knees, laughing full-throated, her attention to the case nowhere to be found. Smiling, Flame turned back to B.T., catching a grin or two on a few of the players' faces before they disappeared abruptly underneath the guise of fake coughs. "One never knows the true feelings of anyone, B.T. Underneath that smart-ass exterior, you could have resented Tsukasa for any number of reasons."

"So you think," B.T. snarled, her grip of her own Wave Master staff tightening until the fingers were tinted white. Certain she'd struck a nerve, Flame moved on to the next in line, that being Bear who was holding Mimiru sideways, looking the calmest of the group, thus the most suspicious of all. "Bear, why did you have such an interest in Tsukasa in the first place? Was it misplaced fatherly affection or something deeper, more illicit?"

Turning crimson, Bear squirmed, Mimiru raising a brow and her tears now dry, moved away, no longer comfortable with Bear's consolation. "H-How dare you! I have never been more insulted in my life, I would never-have never thought of Tsukasa that way and I'm not about to start now."

"Well, that's good to know," Kaige started, her amusement having run dry despite Crim's continual cries for help. "Why won't anyone take it out? It's not supposed to be there! It chafes, stings, and hurts so much. Why would anyone put it there anyway? I have to go, there's a business trip I have to prepare for, and bleeding anally won't help that at all. Oh, god, why didn't I put band-aids in my player's item list?"

"Isn't it true that in Real Life, your profession is that of a writer? Couldn't you have used this situation as inspiration for a novel? Writers are well-known for being more than they seem, and I don't think you're any different," Flame said quietly, measuring Bear's reaction to her words while Mimiru crossed her arms and smiled, pleased about something. "I would never use my friends in such a matter, they're far too precious to me."

"I wonder in what way they're precious to you," Kaige questioned, circling around the back of the line of players, making some of them nervous. "Anyway, let's shift to Mimiru, shall we? Isn't it true that you were on and off again friends with Tsukasa? Didn't he ignore your messages at times just because of his moodiness? Didn't that irritate and anger you?"

"I'll be the first to admit we didn't have the ideal friendship but that doesn't mean I'd shove him over a cliff," Mimiru spat out, her brow narrowed in anger, purposely avoiding Kaige and Flame's accusing stares. "You can ask any of the people here, and they'll tell you I cared for Tsukasa as much as he would let me. Isn't that right, everyone? …Why are you all silent? Don't you believe me? So, this is how far friendship in The World goes, huh? Thanks for nothing."

Sharing confused looks at how fast Mimiru's attitude had changed, Kaige and Flame came to the last in the line. Sora, who had recovered fully from Kaige's blow to his privates. Enjoying how he flinched when she came close, Kaige leaned closer and closer until her head was resting on Sora's left shoulder. "Sora, it's well known you're quick to kill when something displeases you. Is there any chance you asked Tsukasa to meet you and when he wouldn't give you what you wanted, you turned on him?"

"Hn, sure I found the guy annoying at times, but I didn't even think he'd die if you killed him here in The World. Besides, everyone here would dislike me even more if I had murdered him, and I'm looking to fix that…Huh? I've gotta go. Mommy wants me to take out the trash, am I done here?" Flame raised a brow, mouthing 'Mommy?' to Kaige who shrugged and nuzzled closer to Sora who paled.

"Why isn't anyone listening to me? Do you know how it feels to have a staff shoved up your ass so far that you can almost feel it in the back of your throat? God, I'll pay someone. Anyone to take it out for me, please!"

"I suppose you can go. I don't think you did it and even you did, we can always track you down later and make you pay. Kaige-chan, would you like to let go of Sora's arm, please?" Once Kaige had released Sora, he quickly logged off, and Flame and Kaige looked down the line of players thoughtfully, not expecting B.T. to leap forward and approach them. "How could you do that?! Don't you know he's the most likely suspect out of all of us? What kind of detectives are you, that you can't pin the blame on the one who deserves it the most?

"Do you know how hard I worked to set this all up? I eve-" Her mouth closing quickly, B.T. looked down, then back up with a mad grin on her face. Subaru stepped out of line, her face aghast. "B.T., you killed Tsukasa? For god's sakes, why? He never did anything to you."

"That's exactly why I killed him. Even when I was kind enough to offer friendship, he spurred me. When I confessed my love to him, he laughed, laughed! Said how absurd it was that someone from the Real World could fall in love with someone from The World, who might or might not exist in the first place.

"With my heart trampled so, I did the one thing that would make him pay, I pushed him off the cliff, and watched his blood stain the scenery. The black mantis loved all the red stuff, and I live to please my lord even if it goes against my personal morals. I wonder if he'll help me out," B.T. babbled, her mind halfway shot and unaware that she wasn't making much sense altogether.  
Pleased, Flame looked to Kaige, who smiled. "Isn't this a first for us?"

"You mean that the murderer actually confessed without us threatening them with violence or killing the rest of the suspects? Yeah, I think it is. It's just too bad it happened here and not the Real World. I think the Boss Man would shit a brick if our cases went so perfectly," Kaige replied, watching B.T. warily, and wondering exactly what to do with her.

"If our cases did go so easily, it'd be very boring, don't you think? Let's see, Subaru?" Said player flinched and looked uneasily to Flame, who only smiled, not knowing she made Subaru more nervous with the kind gesture. "Could you send a message to the system administrator and request B.T.'s personal information? If Tsukasa really did die in the Real World, she's guilty of first degree murder."

"Y-Yes, I can do that. One moment, please."

"Oh god, I'm losing consciousness, I think the staff tore something inside me. This has got to be the gayest death ever, death by anal hemorrhaging. Is this even technically a deathblow? Hello, anyone?! Oh, look, a light, I wonder if I should go towards it…"

"I have her information, I'm forwarding it to you two," Subaru announced quietly, closing her eyes for a second. "Ah, got it, thanks," Kaige, said a second before Flame echoed her. The two grinned at each other amused before Flame leaned over Kaige and whispered in her ear. A moment went by then Kaige laughed and nodded assent to whatever Flame suggested. She retrieved her Wave Master staff from an intensely grateful and nearly dead Crim then summoned her Guardian.

A ten foot high penguin with the alters of a moose appeared in a mist of black. It roared eerily and tore into the line of players, beak snapping bone and spraying blood nearly everywhere. Kaige and Flame watched impressed as the Penguimooooooose finished off the leftover suspects in less than a minute, leaving only Crim and the crazed B.T. intact. "Damn, I'm glad we wrote him into the game. That was fastest massacre I've ever seen."

"Indeed, he could prove useful elsewhere too," Flame replied, winking at the smirking Kaige who nodded her agreement. "Well, I think we've done our bit of damage here. Shall we log off and go arrest B.T.? Hell, solving this case could even get our detective licenses back."

"We can always hope. I really miss all the violence and the creative murders."

"You and me both."

 _The End_


End file.
